God's Waiting Room

Here I am in God's waiting room. Again.

First, let me say, I HATE WAITING. Let me clarify that statement, everything in me HATES, HATES, HATES waiting. The truly unfortunate thing is that God tends to allow things into our lives that will help us grow as people.

Um, God, I don't want to grow in this area. I don't want to become a better person. I want life to be easy. Please. Pretty please with a cherry on top... Not working for you, huh?

Yesterday was one of the toughest days yet. Maybe it's the PMS. I don't know why. Just some days the idea of waiting for a birth mother to pick us seems so unattainable.

There is something about infertility that takes all the control out of life. It touches something deep inside me. Telling me that I don't work. My body is supposed to bear children. But it doesn't. Unfortunately, though my body might not want to bring forth children, my heart longs for them.

We spent the first 7 years of our marriage childless. Several of those years we spent doing infertility treatments. Anyone who has gone through that understands the heartbreak. For anyone who hasn't, I don't think there are words to describe the pain and hope and pain and hope that comes in an endless cycle.

We now have a wonderful son through adoption. And I am truly thankful and feel blessed to have him. There are people out there that would say (and have said) "At least you have Brian."

We are blessed. We also know that it feels like there is a hole in our family. Like we are a family of four but are missing someone.

I never understood secondary infertility. Until now. When you don't have any children it's easy to look at those that do and say, "at least you have one". But what I didn't realize is how hard it is to wait when you already know what it feels like to have that baby handed to you. To feel the bonding, the love and the puzzle piece of the family fitting so nicely into place.

Maybe it's like I've heard how labor is. Maybe it was this hard waiting the first time around and I just don't remember. I remember pain and tears. I just don't remember this type of emptiness. The knowing of what I'm missing.

I hold onto the faith I have in God and the belief that He has a plan.

For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay. - Habakkuk 2:3