Change

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

I struggle with anorexia. Still. I thought I was over it. Well, as over it as I was ever going to get. Do I still look in the mirror and think I'm fat? Yes. But usually I also believe that I have other characteristics that are more important.

For some reason God has decided that I have more to work through and has brought back to the surface so many of the buried emotions.

My problem is that right now, to be totally honest, I don't want to change.

Why?

You see, I'm now in my 30's and my body doesn't look much like it did when I was 16. Or even 18 or 21. My wedding dress was a size 2. I haven't seen my body in a size 2 anything in quite awhile. I'd love to get back to that.

But there's more. There's this lie, that when I am thin enough then I am pretty enough, perfect enough, likable enough. Then. I. Would. Be. Happy.

My brain knows the truth. But my heart doesn't. How do I get my heart to believe that I'm really okay and that thinner isn't necessarily better. Nor would it make me happier.

I know that in my walk with God I move ever forward. Sometimes kicking and screaming. But still, ever forward. He is not going to give up on me. Just like He didn't give up on me before.

And truly, I've been happy. I've been content. And, I've been confident in my self. Even just a few short weeks ago. Remembering makes me want to get back to that point.

A decade ago, when I started working my way through the mess that was my self-image, I didn't know what I was working toward. Now I know. I know what it feels like to be healthy. Both physically and emotionally. It's like an addiction - only working toward good. In fact, it's more like two addictions working against each other. But, now that I know what healthy feels like I can't give it up.

Yes, I would beg, borrow and steal to get back to feeling good - just like an addiction. Fortunately (since I don't like to beg, borrow or steal) God has better plans for me. Plans to walk with me through a recovery that is complete. The scars will always be there, but the healing will happen.

Just maybe after I drop a few pounds....I kid, I kid! Well, mostly.