Melting

We are melting here in the Pacific Northwest. With a high Sunday of 95! :-o And NO, hear me - NO AC.

Well, we do have an itty bitty teeny window unit. Let me tell you, it's not keeping up. Not anywhere near close to keeping up.

I want to thank everyone for their outpouring of support and encouragement this weekend. I got so many emails from people who read my post. Thank you!

Obviously we didn't get a call for a baby. That was disappointing and hard. But not devastating. I still believe that God has a plan and is still "cooking" our baby. She will come when the time is right.

I know, that sounds so mature and together. I keep telling myself that if I say it over and over again I will be mature and together. And sometimes I really feel it too!

Anyway, thanks y'all. You have been a great encouragement and support. I can't wait to be able to share good news too.

Back to the melting...

We decided to start checking out some of the beaches in the area. On advice from a friend Brian and I (My husband was busy helping said friend prep his house for painting - Brian and I had the better activity!) headed to Point Defiance and Owen Beach. A bit rocky, but fun to be out and playing in the water.

*sorry for the spots on my lens. It has been cleaned now that I have a whole group of photos with spots. Maybe someday I will take the time to edit them out, but not today.

The view was spectacular!

Prayer

This week has been an prayer-intensive week for me. Today, Friday the 27th, is the due date for the birth mom that we were at one point matched with.

I expected that this week would be hard. I knew that we would go back into mourning, at least some. What I expected was something close to the yearly anniversary of the loss of a loved one.

That's not what came my way.

First, let me say that I am writing this in faith. Faith that God has a plan, I'm just not privy to it.

After the match fell through we grieved. We grieved the loss of the baby, then we grieved the loss of the match. Going backward through the adoption process was hard. Then we started to move on. I even started thinking about all the possibilities of where our baby could be and where we would travel to pick her up.

That was a pretty good place to be, emotionally.

But then a few weeks ago I felt like God was bringing me back around to the match that fell through. Like people saying, "you know some birth moms change their mind again" or "I know so and so that had that happen and she ended up with the baby anyway because the birth mom called from the hospital and wanted to go ahead with the adoption plan".

Sometimes I feel God talking to me. No out loud, but still very obvious.

It went something like this (this is a condensed version of a very, very long conversation - as I can be quite dense).

God: Ask in faith.
Me: God, I want a healthy baby girl.
God: Is that what is truly the thing you desire in the deepest part of you?
Me: Um, well, of course. Maybe sooner rather than later.
God: Do you have faith? Do you believe? What do you long for?
Me: Okay, what I really, really want is this particular baby.
God: Ask in faith.

It went on like that for at least a week. I didn't want to go back to thinking about this baby. I was starting to feel like that girl in high school that the guy breaks up with, but she just won't let go. We've all known them. We feel sorry for their pitifulness. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to live in denial that my life has moved on and that I need to move on with it.

But God kept bringing me back to "ask in faith". So, "fine" I said and I started praying. Asking for what my heart really wanted. What I longed for at the deepest level.

A funny thing happened. No, we didn't get the call (at least not yet). But, I've started to be more real with God. I was taught that prayer should be praise, adoration, asking for things for others, etc. But not asking for things for myself. I'm starting to be more open and honest with God. To share my heart. And I'm learning that that is what he really wants from me.

I don't know what he is going to do. I don't know if we will get the call. If we are being prepared for something else. Or if God is just using what He needs to to bring me into a closer relationship with Him. I can truly say I'm okay if the answer is "no". But I hope that I will have a miracle to share. Because I believe that God still does miracles and that He answers prayers when we ask in faith. But most of all I believe that God wants me to share my deepest heart with Him.

What an amazing God I know. And who knows me.

A Question

Here is a question that I have been wondering about lately.

What is the difference between spiritual and emotional?

So often I feel like church is an emotional experience. Or, at least, the church leadership are going for an emotional experience. What would a truly spiritual experience look like?

Wordless Wednesday

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Germs

I didn't fall off the edge of the world. Though, that sounds kinda nice right now. After my eye swelled up and turned the color of hell red I thought it was time to go to the doctor. His words were, "hm, you have several things going on here". Ya think?

Seems I have pink eye, a sinus infection, a head cold, and allergies. All at once. Let me tell you how fun this is.

I am now on several antibiotics, which cause me to be on another medication, plus another for other girly issues that are impacted by the meds that they put me on for the plague the various infections my body is hosting. How hospitable my body is, kinda like the Martha Stewart of the bacteria world.

I'm ready to trade in my body and upgrade. Even my pharmacist gave me sympathy.

Wordless Wednesday - Summertime

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Daddy

This pretty much sums up how Brian feels about his Daddy. Brian adores him.


We had a good Father's Day this last weekend. I hope you did too.

I was in a photo mood today and thought I would share some pic of Brian and his Daddy...

You Put Your Right Foot In...

You put your right foot out. You put your right foot in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about!

Remember that?

Remember this?

and this:

Brian went to his first roller skating birthday party a few weeks ago. It was also his first time on roller skates. We had a ton of fun.

First we tried out the skates on the carpet.

Then went on to the actual rink. Here is the progression of Brian learning...




He picked it up fast and really enjoyed it. Which is good because his preschool is having an end of the year party this Friday back at that same roller rink.

This was probably my favorite picture of the day. It's my husband's skate next to Brian's. How cute is that?!

God's Waiting Room

Here I am in God's waiting room. Again.

First, let me say, I HATE WAITING. Let me clarify that statement, everything in me HATES, HATES, HATES waiting. The truly unfortunate thing is that God tends to allow things into our lives that will help us grow as people.

Um, God, I don't want to grow in this area. I don't want to become a better person. I want life to be easy. Please. Pretty please with a cherry on top... Not working for you, huh?

Yesterday was one of the toughest days yet. Maybe it's the PMS. I don't know why. Just some days the idea of waiting for a birth mother to pick us seems so unattainable.

There is something about infertility that takes all the control out of life. It touches something deep inside me. Telling me that I don't work. My body is supposed to bear children. But it doesn't. Unfortunately, though my body might not want to bring forth children, my heart longs for them.

We spent the first 7 years of our marriage childless. Several of those years we spent doing infertility treatments. Anyone who has gone through that understands the heartbreak. For anyone who hasn't, I don't think there are words to describe the pain and hope and pain and hope that comes in an endless cycle.

We now have a wonderful son through adoption. And I am truly thankful and feel blessed to have him. There are people out there that would say (and have said) "At least you have Brian."

We are blessed. We also know that it feels like there is a hole in our family. Like we are a family of four but are missing someone.

I never understood secondary infertility. Until now. When you don't have any children it's easy to look at those that do and say, "at least you have one". But what I didn't realize is how hard it is to wait when you already know what it feels like to have that baby handed to you. To feel the bonding, the love and the puzzle piece of the family fitting so nicely into place.

Maybe it's like I've heard how labor is. Maybe it was this hard waiting the first time around and I just don't remember. I remember pain and tears. I just don't remember this type of emptiness. The knowing of what I'm missing.

I hold onto the faith I have in God and the belief that He has a plan.

For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay. - Habakkuk 2:3

Out of the Mouths...

I was reading with my son the other day. The story was about some knights and a dragon. In one of the pictures there was a knight with a patch over his eye.

Brian points to the picture, and in the best four year old logic he comes up with this:

B: Look Mama, he's a pirate because he only has one eye because he was running with a stick.

Me: Yes, sweetheart that's right.

I'm all about using everything at my disposal to keep my son's eyes right where they belong. Even if it means stretching the truth a bit. I might not have actually been lying when I said that. Maybe, just maybe, that knight/pirate WAS running with a stick.

What? It could happen.

My Bookshelf

Did you notice my new bookshelf? The one on the right? I love to read. So you will see an ever changing rotation of books over there. The top shelf being that which I have either just read or am currently reading. The bottom shelf are my all time favorite authors and/or books. I hope you check them out.

And let me know what you are reading. I'm always looking for a good book.

Laugh a Little

I'm finding that I am starting to seek out laughter. I cruise by lolcats often. But I saw this and almost peed my pants. Enjoy a little laughter today.
*this came directly from here. You can see the original (much less funny version) here.

	If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
	If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
	If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
	If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
	Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
	To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.
	Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.
	People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.
	Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
	If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
	If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.
	Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.
	After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
	If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.
	If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
	Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.
	If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
	Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.
	Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.
	A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
	No pyromaniacs admitted.
	A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.
	That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.
	The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.
	If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.
	If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.
	If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.
	After all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think about it.
	Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.
	"Wash your hands" of traditional long distance telephone providers.
	Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the 'underground' rave in the shelter.
	In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.
	In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.
	There is a reason you failed chemistry.
	Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.
	If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.
	Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes: - individual dose - family value size - neighborhood spray pump size - supersize!
	Satellite photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast Texas.
	When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.