This week has been an prayer-intensive week for me. Today, Friday the 27th, is the due date for the birth mom that we were at one point matched with.
I expected that this week would be hard. I knew that we would go back into mourning, at least some. What I expected was something close to the yearly anniversary of the loss of a loved one.
That's not what came my way.
First, let me say that I am writing this in faith. Faith that God has a plan, I'm just not privy to it.
After the match fell through we grieved. We grieved the loss of the baby, then we grieved the loss of the match. Going backward through the adoption process was hard. Then we started to move on. I even started thinking about all the possibilities of where our baby could be and where we would travel to pick her up.
That was a pretty good place to be, emotionally.
But then a few weeks ago I felt like God was bringing me back around to the match that fell through. Like people saying, "you know some birth moms change their mind again" or "I know so and so that had that happen and she ended up with the baby anyway because the birth mom called from the hospital and wanted to go ahead with the adoption plan".
Sometimes I feel God talking to me. No out loud, but still very obvious.
It went something like this (this is a condensed version of a very, very long conversation - as I can be quite dense).
God: Ask in faith.
Me: God, I want a healthy baby girl.
God: Is that what is truly the thing you desire in the deepest part of you?
Me: Um, well, of course. Maybe sooner rather than later.
God: Do you have faith? Do you believe? What do you long for?
Me: Okay, what I really, really want is this particular baby.
God: Ask in faith.
It went on like that for at least a week. I didn't want to go back to thinking about this baby. I was starting to feel like that girl in high school that the guy breaks up with, but she just won't let go. We've all known them. We feel sorry for their pitifulness. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to live in denial that my life has moved on and that I need to move on with it.
But God kept bringing me back to "ask in faith". So, "fine" I said and I started praying. Asking for what my heart really wanted. What I longed for at the deepest level.
A funny thing happened. No, we didn't get the call (at least not yet). But, I've started to be more real with God. I was taught that prayer should be praise, adoration, asking for things for others, etc. But not asking for things for myself. I'm starting to be more open and honest with God. To share my heart. And I'm learning that that is what he really wants from me.
I don't know what he is going to do. I don't know if we will get the call. If we are being prepared for something else. Or if God is just using what He needs to to bring me into a closer relationship with Him. I can truly say I'm okay if the answer is "no". But I hope that I will have a miracle to share. Because I believe that God still does miracles and that He answers prayers when we ask in faith. But most of all I believe that God wants me to share my deepest heart with Him.
What an amazing God I know. And who knows me.