Grief

Do I know that my posts have been fluff lately? Yes, I do. I am learning something about myself. I grieve alone.

The process of selling my horse has been one that has touched me deeply. In some ways deeper than I thought it would. I knew that I would miss him. But I didn't expect the crisis of self definition that came and the fears that I was loosing not only my involvement with horses, but also who I am.

When my brother got married last month I was surprised to find that I processed that best through writing. And now, I am just as surprised to find that I grieve alone.

I had expected that all my sadness and guilt and emptiness would pour out onto the pages of this blog. But instead, I found myself withdrawing and emotionally unable to write. Like an empty pitcher.

I certainly don't intend to offend anyone who has gone through the deeper grief of loosing a loved one. That process is deeper and longer than what I am facing. But, I also can't minimize the loss that I am feeling. As much as I would love to sweep it under the rug and go on my merry way.

So, over that last few weeks I have processed through this and am coming out the other side. I know that the day he ships out will be hard. But, I feel prepared to face it. Or, at least as prepared as I can be.

Now, I am trying to spend as much time at the barn as I can. Which ends up being part of just about every day.

So, my posts have been fluff. Not bad, just not deep and meaningful. Though, I have enjoyed sharing more photos.

In the posts to come I want there to be a better balance. But don't worry, I will continue to post photos, since I have a bazillion of them.