Friday, August 22, 2008

Ex-boyfriends And Other Tools of God.

I've been awfully quiet in the blogosphere these last few weeks. I find that when God works on my heart I tend to introvert for awhile. Part of what has been going on is about my perfectionism tendency. But most of it is about fear.

I'm realizing that so much of what I do is based on fear. Mostly fear of rejection, but really fear of anything bad (I gave up a free trip to Germany several years back because I was afraid to fly over the ocean **smacks head**).

In the past I have been described as a snob. Which, at the time, surprised me. I think of snobs as those that think others are somehow lower or less. I, on the other hand, think of myself as less. Which causes me to withdraw. Plus I am really good at hiding my emotions. Thus creating the idea that I am a snob.

It's not that I don't want to get to know you, it's that I think you will reject me.

When I look back on my life, the things I regret are the things I either did or didn't do out of fear. Take, for example, an ex-boyfriend I recently found (thanks, Facebook). Boy did it bring back those awkward teenage years! But, it fit right into the theme God is weaving in my life. You see, when I broke up with him it wasn't because I was ready to move on, it was because I was so sure he would break up with me. I know, I know, so teenage angst-ish. And so cliche. But I've always regretted it.

I never moved on from that teenage fear of rejection. If I could do it over I would have seen it through and let him break up with me. Not because I think it would have lasted nor do I wish it had. I am totally in love and happily married. But, I could have handled it so much more maturely and grown from it instead of running in fear. Oh the things my 32 year old self could teach my teenage self...

I don't want my life to be marked by fear. Nor do I want to pass that on to my kids. I want them to be confident and take chances. I truly believe (now) that you must take chances and make mistakes in order to really live. It has taken quite a bit of living and a lot of nudging from God to get me to this point.

I also believe that if I live my life and base my decisions on fear then my kids will too. I so wish I could parent by telling my children what to do instead of patterning it for them. How much easier would that be?!

As I've learned before and been reminded of this last week, only in my heartbreak does God really have a pliable heart to work with. That's when I'm able to hear Him and desire changing. It's a bit on the painful side, but better in the long run.

I want to put aside my fears and step forward into life boldly and with confidence.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2

1 comment:

Cory said...

So, funny story. I stumbled upon your blog through facebook and decided I'd look back to august and see what's been going on since I left. I read this post, and it ended up challenging me to go downtown to do an outreach with a group of guys. Had a good time. So...thanks!